Beach

I went to the beach today to think as walked and took some pictures. I ended up rolling my jeans up to knees and taking flip-flops off and walking in the edge of the surf. It was tad cold but not to bad for February. I took another test today after napped and another BFN. We have agreed to stop the progesterone pills to try to get af going so can move on to a better month/cycle to try.

14th month vent

i'm wearing thin now, after being sick 2 weeks now and in pain the 2 weeks before, just so run down that everything is upsetting me emotionally. i dont know how many more cycles i can take anymore. hoping i can get dr appt tomorrow with regular dr for this cough, there is infection in there, can taste it when cough and see if she can do full panel on blood work to see where all levels are at, i know i need thyroid done, its been 2 months on new dose and i dont feel right with it.this month i've tempted (not much, sleep changed on me after wisdom teeth removed) opks, preseed, softcups, clomid, progesterone, i dont even feel pregnant, but have been sick so i dont know. someone suggested i ask dr about femara, might try that, but we know clomid does work for me, got pregnant in dec at 50mgs, did 100mg this cycle. i'm just tired emotionally, i'm losing the will to even fight for it anymore. i know i have hard time ovulating on my own anymore, but thinking about joining 24/7 fitness and work out more and lose some weight adn try to get thyroid under control again.

all ever had planned for myself since little was a mother. i wanted to be a vet, but allergies too bad, thought about something in science field or teacher, then i started working and found out, i'm a hermit, i dont like being out, i dont like being around people, i like being in my own space. my grandmother did raise me, she was retired, when her kids were little, to be stay at home wife and mom, and i wouldnt say she raised me the same, but thats what i took on cause i was used to it after she got in worst health and i had to take over careing for their house and driving her places. so to be stay-at-home wife is great for me (unless get cabin fever a bit lol) and stay-at-home mom is just next step. i was so happy while was pregnant with Zoey and everything crashed down in matter of few hours and fought 5 days to keep her in adn save her, so it crushed everything even more when lost her.

i knew going in when we started ttc in march 2010 that it would be tough cause my thyroid. Its been a yo-yo with my thyroid from hyper to hypo to hyper to hypo again since feb 2005 when was diagnosed at 17. i'm lucky my grandma had experience with it as well and understood it. it seems i got tossed bad genes in family, my great grandfather had alot of sickness and allergies, my grandmother and her brother frank were only 2 of 9 to get same really (until end of lifes with 2 other brothers), my uncle only got allergies, my cousin has allergies adn miagraines and had asthma as a young boy, my mom's health stuff has only started after she turned 40 and some is from her job (school bus driver, carpel tunnel from opening door on old bus, the bone spurs in feet from pedals) and then there is me who is like a mini-copy of my grandma with drug allergies, thyroid, asthma, regular allergies, heat/cold allergies, a pressure allergy. my thyroid was perfect with 1 dose up until this summer really, since then had 3 increases and still doesn't feel right. can tell really bad cause my hands are shaking again, i get to shaking all over, more cold natured than normal, excess hair growth (on chin and under, though since started progesterone its not as bad) and the cycles being weird. wondering if i should just go ahead and have mine surgically removed so can find a dose that works without mine trying to make some as well.

DH is wondering if his swimmers are bad now cause of all of it now too. his ex-wife told him he was infertile, but we've proved that wrong 3 times now. but he has high blood pressure adn is on meds for it plus drinks (too much for my tastes at times) so wondering if he should have full fertility workup too. gonna ask my obgyn when i go back and request one for myself to try to pinpoint. Adoption (or surrgo) isnt really something we have money for or would likely do because of how much i want to be pregnant and how i would have a hard time bonding with the child.


Just wondering how much more i can take, this is 14th month, the 15th starts tomorrow when march starts and i never expected to be ttc this long or have those 2 loses before 7 weeks.

Latest Update

Starting with a long update on whats happened the past 14 months basically.

Jan. 2011 -- We started officially ttc again after got off birth control (worst thing i did) and got infection got during Zoey's birth cleared up again. CD 33

Feb. 2011 -- I went back and forth rather wanted to try or not because was sick and we ended up trying. I started using FertilityFriends.com to track info on my cycle. CD 29

March 2011 -- Zoey's Due Date came and I ended up falling and breaking my tailbone that day. We kept trying. CD 29

April 2011 -- I was little disappoint we didn't get lucky like we did with Zoey and get pregnant 3rd month trying, but we kept on trying. Practice cant hurt right? ;) CD 33

May/June/July 2011 -- Another Month! We kept trying and ended up with cycle being really late and found out why. We were pregnant! yes, said that right, were. It turns out I did get pregnant, but something wasn't right, my hcg levels seemed to be really low and barely showed on the tests. I ended up starting to spot on July 2nd and when I saw my obgyn, the blood work showed wasn't pregnant so we had lost the pregnancy. I had the feeling it was a boy because I wasn't sick like I had been with Zoey, so gave the baby the name Alex Mika. After my appointment with my obgyn, He gave me Provera to start a period since I only had light bleeding at best when lost Alex. CD 71

August 2011 -- We couldn't try this month really. From July 24th till Aug 18th, I bled all but 9 days.We moved into a new place that we love at end of month right after my 24th birthday.

Sept. 2011 -- Yet another month. I don't remember much of month as spent it unpacking, decluttering and just getting new place setup way we liked. AF showed on 17th after 2 month before basically. First month using OPKs, got the Answer 20pk and then 14 or 15 Woldfo brand. CD 41

Oct. 2011 --  I had negative OPKs entire month and finally stopped after saw the Dr while sick adn found out thyroid was too low to have hormones to ovulate and started a new dose. On the 26th, which happened to be last Wednesday of the month, I was in a car wreck where my car was totaled when I was hit from behind by a pickup truck going 55-65mph while stopped and rocketed from stop into the truck infront me that had steel bumper and hitches. The front of my car was pushed back causing the radiator to crack and push into engine, engine into firewall. Trunk was smashed forward and once opened once wouldn't shut back or lock. Airbag did go off but it missed me by few inches because after first hit, my seat reclined back slightly and it missed me. We believe it was Zoey saving me and making sure I didn't get hurt worst than whiplash and bruises from the belt. It happened to be 1 year to day I went into labor with her. Her first birthday passed and it was very quiet around the house as we thought about her and burned a little birthday candle down for her. I started spotting after the wreck and got af full force, 2 weeks after started new thyroid dose. CD 42

Nov. 2011 -- I decided to skip OPKs and give it last shot own on since had appointment setup for 11th and was given Clomid 50mg to take next cycle since was already passed days I could take it. CD 30

Dec. 2011 -- First cycle with Clomid! I was tracking with OPKs but missed 2 days while I was out of town to go with my family to my brother's marine graduation and when I got back, I got first positive opk at cd12. On Christmas Eve morning when got up took hpt with fmu and got a clear BFP after having few faint ones days before. We were pregnant!! yes.. were again.. I kept testing daily to see if it got darker and on 30th and after all lines were gone. We had lost another pregnancy and baby. Since I had started getting sick and boobs started growing at week 3-4 again, felt like a girl so named the baby Bailey McKenna.

Jan. 2012 -- I saw the obgyn and was confirmed that had lost the baby and was most likely a chemical pregnancy since had such a short lunal phase that body just couldn't handle it. He gave me new prescription for Clomid doubling the dose to 100mg for next cycle and Provera again to start AF.

Feb. 2012 -- Finally got AF on 2nd (CD 66) and passed what was left of the pregnancy out. I started the new clomid dose as well as opks again and we started using Preseed when babydanced and laying with hips up as well as softcups to hold everything in. I had to have all 4 wisdom teeth out on 13th and on 15th while taking a walk on Tybee Beach thinking about our angels, I ovulated. I saw my obgyn the day I had wisdom teeth out and voice my opinion about progesterone being too low as to why keep losing them so early and he put me on a supplement to take nightly, starting at 3dpo. Its now the 29th, leap day, and I'm 14 DPO and all tests so far are BFNs.