14th month vent

i'm wearing thin now, after being sick 2 weeks now and in pain the 2 weeks before, just so run down that everything is upsetting me emotionally. i dont know how many more cycles i can take anymore. hoping i can get dr appt tomorrow with regular dr for this cough, there is infection in there, can taste it when cough and see if she can do full panel on blood work to see where all levels are at, i know i need thyroid done, its been 2 months on new dose and i dont feel right with it.this month i've tempted (not much, sleep changed on me after wisdom teeth removed) opks, preseed, softcups, clomid, progesterone, i dont even feel pregnant, but have been sick so i dont know. someone suggested i ask dr about femara, might try that, but we know clomid does work for me, got pregnant in dec at 50mgs, did 100mg this cycle. i'm just tired emotionally, i'm losing the will to even fight for it anymore. i know i have hard time ovulating on my own anymore, but thinking about joining 24/7 fitness and work out more and lose some weight adn try to get thyroid under control again.

all ever had planned for myself since little was a mother. i wanted to be a vet, but allergies too bad, thought about something in science field or teacher, then i started working and found out, i'm a hermit, i dont like being out, i dont like being around people, i like being in my own space. my grandmother did raise me, she was retired, when her kids were little, to be stay at home wife and mom, and i wouldnt say she raised me the same, but thats what i took on cause i was used to it after she got in worst health and i had to take over careing for their house and driving her places. so to be stay-at-home wife is great for me (unless get cabin fever a bit lol) and stay-at-home mom is just next step. i was so happy while was pregnant with Zoey and everything crashed down in matter of few hours and fought 5 days to keep her in adn save her, so it crushed everything even more when lost her.

i knew going in when we started ttc in march 2010 that it would be tough cause my thyroid. Its been a yo-yo with my thyroid from hyper to hypo to hyper to hypo again since feb 2005 when was diagnosed at 17. i'm lucky my grandma had experience with it as well and understood it. it seems i got tossed bad genes in family, my great grandfather had alot of sickness and allergies, my grandmother and her brother frank were only 2 of 9 to get same really (until end of lifes with 2 other brothers), my uncle only got allergies, my cousin has allergies adn miagraines and had asthma as a young boy, my mom's health stuff has only started after she turned 40 and some is from her job (school bus driver, carpel tunnel from opening door on old bus, the bone spurs in feet from pedals) and then there is me who is like a mini-copy of my grandma with drug allergies, thyroid, asthma, regular allergies, heat/cold allergies, a pressure allergy. my thyroid was perfect with 1 dose up until this summer really, since then had 3 increases and still doesn't feel right. can tell really bad cause my hands are shaking again, i get to shaking all over, more cold natured than normal, excess hair growth (on chin and under, though since started progesterone its not as bad) and the cycles being weird. wondering if i should just go ahead and have mine surgically removed so can find a dose that works without mine trying to make some as well.

DH is wondering if his swimmers are bad now cause of all of it now too. his ex-wife told him he was infertile, but we've proved that wrong 3 times now. but he has high blood pressure adn is on meds for it plus drinks (too much for my tastes at times) so wondering if he should have full fertility workup too. gonna ask my obgyn when i go back and request one for myself to try to pinpoint. Adoption (or surrgo) isnt really something we have money for or would likely do because of how much i want to be pregnant and how i would have a hard time bonding with the child.


Just wondering how much more i can take, this is 14th month, the 15th starts tomorrow when march starts and i never expected to be ttc this long or have those 2 loses before 7 weeks.